Keep America Great!

Donald J. Trump is the greatest jobs President that God ever created, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Just look at how well the economy is doing; sure, Trump may be taking credit for an economy that was already on an upward trajectory thanks to reforms implemented by President Obama, but if the members of his base are too stupid to notice, no harm no foul.

Besides taking credit for someone else's achievement, the Dear Leader has also passed a massive tax cut and successively appointed two justices to the Supreme Court. And don't listen to those economists that warn of balloning deficits or claim that one of the new justices is as much of a pussy-grabber as the President. I got two words for you: FAKE NEWS!

Donald J. Trump
Successful Businessman

The members of the fake news parade will tell you that the above moniker is an oxymoron when it applies to Trump, but good thing that most in his base don't know the meaning of the word, probably because they're morons that are addicted to Oxy.

Another word that they aren't probably familiar with is nepotism. Apparently, the Dear Leader built his riches by siphoning the riches of his father, which is totally a legitimate business strategy! I tried to emulate our President, but eventually, my mother got tired of me taking money out of her purse and told me to move the fuck out of her basement.

However, unlike my stingy mother, Trump's generous (enabling) father helped facilitate our Dear Leader's gargantuan business empire. And never mind those lies that claim that he filed for bankruptcy several times or that he lost more than a billion dollars. When I say fake, you say news; FAKE!...

Environment

“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.” —@realDumbassTrump

Look! The perpetrator of this elaborate hoax is sitting to the right of Trump. The President is actually a scientific genius that can see through the Chinese conspiracy that has deceived 97% of climatologists; if only they were as smart as our Dear Leader.

Unlike those nerds, the President wasn't going to roll over and let the Chinese have their way, which is why the Trump Administration tries its hardest to bowdlerize any mention of climate change presented in official documents and even pulled out of the Paris Accord. America First! (In 50 years, Trump is going to be declaring, Atlantis First!, but hopefully, he'll experience a coronary from eating too many Big Macs before that time arrives).

Race Relations

“You also had people that were very fine people, on both sides.” —Donald J. Trump

If our Dear Leader says that individuals like Neo-Nazis are very fine people, then I'll take his word for it! I'm not going to question the President's tacit support of racist political groups; honestly, my brain is too fried to question anything, probably from all that glue that I've been sniffing.

So I just nod along whenever Trump gets blatantly racist, like questioning the acceptance of immigrants from those “shithole countries” in Africa, or telling several congresswomen that hold American citizenship to “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.” Seriously, the glue has me down to like two brain cells, so I didn't even think, "Wait, you mean America, Mr. President?"

Nope, I'm just like Kanye, blindly and tenaciously exercising a creepy infatuation no matter what the Dear Leader says or does (apparently, very frequently). But, in Kanye's defense, the President ordered me to swipe the rapper's Lithium out of his man-purse, fearing that he would lose one of his very few remaining African-American voters (ya can count them on the hand) once Kanye sobered up.

Immigration

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.” —Donald J. Trump

Oh my goodness; they're all so beautiful; which one should I choose? I'm glad that the Dear Leader is keeping it old school by implementing a solution used by China in the seventh century.

However, in regards to the President's reasoning, I make myself feel better about the facts that illegal immigration has been in decline for the past decade and studies show that immigrants commit less crime than native Americans by masturbating vigorously to pictures of Melania showcasing considerable cleavage.

Gun Control

“Armed Educators (and trusted people who work within a school) love our students and will protect them. Very smart people. Must be firearms adept & have annual training” —@realDumbassTrump

Some libtard approached me, stating that the President must be sniffing the same tube of Elmer's that I am if he thinks compelling untrained civilians to become soldiers would halt the occurrence of mass shootings within schools. I responded by trying to run him over in my car, but I accidently crashed into a nearby lampost (don't sniff and drive kids). Libtards like him just want to take away my military-grade automatic weapons, claiming that states with lax gun control laws also have the highest occurrence of mass shootings.

Women's Rights

“And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy.” —@Donald J. Trump

I would consider it an honor to have my crotch grabbed by the President. I imagine that the hands of the Dear Leader bear a Midas touch, bestowing the power of the Art of the Deal onto every vulva that he mauls with his sausage fingers. What I would give to be any one of those lucky women.

Futhermore, considering how Republicans deter upward economic mobility for females by curbing the implementation of reforms like the Paycheck Fairness Act, women have no choice but to hope that the Dear Leader is actually spreading something other than syphilis when he comes into contact with their genitalia.

Abortion

“The answer is that there has to be some form of punishment.” —Donald J. Trump

You see how grouchy the President looks? He looks more irritated than that woman I saw the other day that had to travel all the way from Texas to Oklahoma for the purpose of getting to a Planned Parenthood clinic.

And she deserves the stress. Abortion is murder; life begins at conception! Who cares if actual scientists claim that the womb only reaches viability within a woman's second trimester? Fuck science; I'd rather get alternative facts from my pedophile priest, thank you very much.

Unlike that harlot, the Dear Leader has a valid reason for his indignation. Melania has been withholding sex ever since she found out about her husband and Stormy Daniels. You would think that the President of the greatest country in the world would have a whole deck full of hall passes for spreading the love (syphilis) around. I'd be angry too if for sexual release, I was limited to my right hand and Kellyanne Conway. Why can't Ivanka just stop rebuffing her father's advances; not only would the Dear Leader get a lot more done, he'd also be happier.